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Magazine Testimonies
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Pilot Magazine Testimonies :: First Issue Testimonies :: Second Issue Testimonies
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I am 49 years old, married, and a mother of 4 daughters. My husband is a very good man and a practicing Catholic. Our daughters have also been raised in the Catholic faith. One by one, they are spreading their wings and leaving the nest. You might say I had everything I could wish for: a good husband, children with all the necessary qualities. What more could you want? And yet I cannot say I am happy. I destroyed my happiness many years ago. The older I get, the more I realize this. I was raised in a religious family. My parents made sure we learned all our prayers, knew the Bible, and followed their good example. Hardworking, considerate, quick to help others, they went out of their way to provide each of their children with a good education. I also went to university. At the student residence I met young women from a variety of backgrounds, but not one who went to church, or who was not embarrassed to pray. By now I was an adult and knew right from wrong. Yet I stopped going to Mass, and sought out no religious contacts. Gradually, my conscience went to sleep. I became deeply involved in student life and events. The experiences of my more street-wise girlfriends fascinated me. Before long I met my first “great love”. He was a student from another town, and we met rather infrequently. His intellect impressed me to no end. I was ready to do anything for him. Finally, three years into our relationship, I became pregnant. We were not married, and for the last several months we had had less and less to talk about. I was still a student, half way through my master’s thesis, and had no idea what to do. Going home was out of the question. I couldn’t bring myself to disappoint and shame my parents. I wrote to my boyfriend, telling him I did not want to see him again. He never replied or came to see me. Fearing what my girlfriends might think, I avoided discussing the matter. And so I was left all alone with my problem. The decision to terminate my pregnancy – it was an obstacle to my uncertain future – was my own. Naturally, the thought that it was a sin did cross my mind, but at the time it was more important that I not disappoint my family. So what if I was damned to hell! I went to the local clinic. Asking no questions, making no attempt to counsel me, or to deter me from this crime, the doctor referred me to a hospital. I took a book with me so as not to have to talk to anyone. I will never forget the sound of the gynecological instruments, and that wet, sucking sound. I did not cry, or even think. I was totally empty. I resigned myself to my lot. An earlier issue of your magazine (Milujcie sie! 4/2002) has a photograph of an aborted child’s head. The sight of it brings tears to my eyes. It could have been my child! Why was I so indifferent to this then? Afterwards, my life resumed its normal course. I defended my thesis, found a job, an apartment… New responsibilities absorbed me. I was full of ideas and energy. No time for scruples! My boyfriend disappeared from my life. We had nothing to say to each other. I never informed him of what I had done. In fact, I have never told anyone until now. Two years later I met my husband. I was very fortunate to meet such a good and understanding man. He did not pry into my past. Soon we were married. We became an exemplary family. We were happy with each other and our successivechildren. Both of us had jobs and shared our household duties. As a mother I wished very much to set my children a good example. Their religious education was very important to me. We took them to church, and we prayed with them. I confessed my great sin several times, but it was only when I became unexpectedly pregnant with our fourth child that real sorrow overtook me. I began experiencing heart trouble. The doctor suspected I had had a mild heart attack. I began wondering what lay in store. My husband feared for my safety. According to our doctor, both the pregnancy and the birth placed me at risk. It was only then that I realized I might die, and have to answer for my life to God. I began praying earnestly for my unborn child. I begged forgiveness for my terrible sin. Convinced that I was going to die, and that my husband would be left alone with four children, we decided to move to Germany where my husband’s family lived. We left home in the summer of 1990. That was a very difficult time for us: a new country, a strange language, cramped living quarters, and, in my own case, a severely troubled conscience. In December I gave birth to a beautiful, healthy daughter. She was alive, and so was I! Lying in hospital, I wept tears of sorrow and gratitude. God had answered my prayers. Looking at my little child, it occurred to me how easy it would be to harm such a little being. How could I have been so heartless toward my first child! From that day on I began saying the rosary every day. On Sundays I prayed the chaplet of divine mercy. I cannot go back and relive my life. I know that God is merciful, and forgives all, yet I feel that my offense will remain with me to the day I die. My child would now be 25 years old. There is not a day that I can say I feel completely at ease. Guilt overshadows my every joy. I cannot smile spontaneously. Having lost confidence in myself, I tend to avoid people. I feel I am so much worse than they are. I have become a recluse. I cannot talk openly with other people. Two years ago I suffered a mental breakdown, and spent time in a psychiatric hospital. My confessor tells me I am not to think about these things anymore. But the thoughts keep coming back – day and night. I try to be a good wife and mother to my family, but often I feel sad and alone. If my story has a purpose it is to beg would-be mothers to defend life always. I broke God’s fifth commandment: You shall not kill! I killed my own child, and in so doing I have ruined my own life, since the weight of my sin allows me no freedom. Guilt haunts me like a shadow. My one hope is in the mercy of God. Please pray for me. Janina |
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STAKED EVERYTHING ON GOD
I come from an ordinary Christian family. After finishing high school I went to work, and met my boyfriend there. Life seemed kind to me. I had a good job, a wonderful family, and a boyfriend who loved me as much as I loved him. Every
day seemed to bring new happiness, The one place I could really be myself was the hospital chapel. Although I attended mass there, I would also sneak in every day when it was empty. Lying cross-wise before the altar, I prayed that God’s will would be done in my life; then I wept and wept… After that I would go to the image of Our Lady of Perpetual Help, and shed more tears. After a few months and a chest x-ray, I underwent some tests. It turned out that the cancerous growth in my abdomen had begun to recede! It was a miracle. I did not have to undergo radiation treatment, which would have put an end to any hope of bearing children. It was truly a miracle! The time came for chemotherapy. It was then that I experienced a crisis. Although my faith in God continued to be strong, I began doubting that I would ever be restored to health. I stopped going for chemotherapy, but my family and fiancé talked me back into it. Finally, there was another miracle. I was totally healed! Even now, years later, I am in good health, despite the fact that 13 years after my illness I was operated on for a cyst (it turned out to be benign). I have given birth to two wonderful, healthy children, who are now of school age. They are a great joy to me, a special gift from God in return for my struggle with cancer. Thank you, Lord! Thank you, Our Lady of Perpetual Help! Thank you, Jesus and all the Saints! Dorothy |
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Our family was out for a drive when we stopped in at a country coffee shop. It was a small place with linoleum floors and plastic stacking chairs. Against one wall a bearded man was writing on a cigarette pack, and drinking coffee. The owner, who was both cook and waiter, seemed overwhelmed by our order of seven grilled cheese sandwiches. He told us he and his wife were expecting a third child. The crying of his second youngster could be heard over the child monitor on the counter. His wife, he told us, was having a nap in their apartment above the restaurant. He darted upstairs to tend to the baby and we looked around. The
radio was playing the local station. At another table we saw two
lads in their early twenties. They were rough looking, unshaven
and unkempt, surrounded with duffel bags. One had a pony tail, the
other, an earring. They both wore a disconcerting, scowling expression
that suggested they would be as at home breaking and entering as
sipping coffee in a restaurant. The owner came back down and spoke
softly to the bearded man who got up to leave. We then exchanged
some polite words with the owner as he started our order. The man
with the beard returned, handed over a bottle of ketchup, a fistful As soon as our food arrived, we said grace. This we said as we always do, trying not to hurry too much in spite of our hunger. It was a discreetly said prayer, noticeable only to any who cared to watch. After we had been eating a while, the bigger of the two lads walked over and asked if he could talk to me. “Yes?”
I answered. In my confusion, I muttered that I would. He continued to stand beside me. “Do
you mean now? Here? Or back in the car when we leave?” - I
asked. We had the children bless themselves and we began. We said a Hail Mary, petitioned whatever Saints we could think of, and followed this up with a short prayer to the Sacred Heart. We asked Our Lord to protect the two boys on their journey. The lad thanked me and rejoined his friend. We felt completely humbled. That look I had taken to be typical of the “teenage attitude” had in fact been one of fear. My wife, Theresa, mused that in just a few years our own five children could easily be in a similar position. She went up to the boys to offer them some money. They blushed, protested, but ended up gratefully accepting it. The cook and the bearded man looked on without comment. We finished our meal feeling quite different from when we had come in. Grace before our meal had been just that, grace. What had we done? We had done nothing but bless ourselves, yet this sign of the cross had overcome the boys’ fear. Our Holy Father is telling us not to be afraid. Fear is useless. It is fear that makes us timid in the practice of our faith. We fear ridicule, our own weakness, what strangers might think. Yet God will make use of the tiniest bit of earnest witness on our part to diffuse his grace to the world around us. David Beresford |
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It started when I fell in love with a guy. He seemed to be the boy of my dreams. Good-looking. Handsome. Quite himself. It felt good being around him. So it had to be true love — I thought. After our first meeting, we saw each other again twice, and I felt so happy. By the time we met for the third time, I was too much in love to realize what I was doing. Sweet and gentle in his manner, he showered me with passionate kisses. But he wanted more. And since it felt so good to be with him, I could not say no. Besides, I had to know what it was like to sleep with a guy. I agreed. It happened. It is hard to say what it was like. He was very gentle, and I felt he had really tried to please me. He repaid my intimacy with more passionate kisses and sweet words. On coming home, I was unable to sleep. My mind raced with thoughts and images of what had passed between us. I felt like a real woman, that I was truly loved. When we met again, I was so in love that I gave in to his every whim, without considering that his demands might be becoming excessive. After a while, it began to dawn on me that our relationship was based mainly on sex. It got to the point that when we would meet, we did not even talk; we just had sex. In my heart, I knew something was lacking — something more beautiful than sex alone. I needed to be assured that he truly loved me. Our relationship cooled, and my suffering increased. Where was the true affection that was supposed to underlie our physical intimacy? One day he looked me over with a total lack of interest. He said he was tired. I could make no sense of it. Did he really love me, or had he just been using me? That day he left with no expression of interest in me. He left no word when we would meet again, and I did not have the courage to ask. The suffering that then entered my heart, and the emptiness I felt, knew no bounds. I felt I could not love anymore. The love I had offered was destroyed. There was nothing more to give. I realized I had been used in a disgusting manner, for I had given away what was most precious to me, and received pain and suffering in return. I grew to regret everything, to hate the very day I had met him. At the same time, I could not forget the look in his eyes when we had first met, the fascination we had felt for each other. The question now torments me. Why did I, who had so anticipated that day, thinking it would be so special, receive such short shrift from the person I had loved, and to whom I had given everything? I had been tricked. The thought of the future now frightens me. I feel I have lost the ability to trust — especially men. If someone were now to seek my advice, I would say let your “first time” be with the one to whom you have pledged your love — your wife or husband. True love must be based on friendship, trust and, most importantly, on belief in Christ. Now I know that it is not worth losing your peace of mind over sex. Sex is only beautiful when it is expressed through love in marriage. It is the way God intended it. I hope someone has heard and understood me. Thank you and God bless! Anne
IT WASN'T LOVE This touching letter describes a common modern-day occurrence. Because they are “in love”, young women say yes to sex without a second thought. The tragic thing is that even though they use the word so freely, most teenage girls do not understand what love is. For Anne, love was a passionate emotion. For her boyfriend it was an urge that needed to be satisfied. Once he had satisfied his urge, he promptly left. These days the word “love” is often applied to the sexual act alone, thus lifting it out of its spiritual and moral context. Since this is causing great confusion, it might be worthwhile to reflect upon what true erotic love is. What conditions should it satisfy? Philosophy distinguishes between three forms or components of love. These are: 1) desire 2) admiration, and 3) love of good will i.e. love based on a decision to act in accordance with reason, moral law, and free will. Desire and admiration are variable emotions, rising and falling according to circumstance. Love of good will, on the other hand, is independent of emotion – it can, but need not, be accompanied by the two other forms of love. Life presents us with various experiences of love: love of God, love of country, parental love, and erotic love. Each of these manifestations of love serves an important aim, and each includes the the basic components of love (desire, admiration and good will) essential to the realization of that aim. Emotions, and the pleasure deriving from them, constitute an incentive, a reward, a source of energy in the pursuit of love, although the important element here is upright formation and doing the right thing – or love of good will. The aim of erotic love is marriage, bringing children into the world, and the proper raising of a family. Biology demonstrates and reason affirms that all the structural elements of the sexes, as well as the physical and psychological differences between a man and a woman, serve the aim of giving birth to and raising children, which must take place in the right circumstances: in a loving marriage and a family setting. The obvious conclusion is that “true” erotic love is achieved only in marriage, in the couple’s openness to the possibility of life and the well-being of a child. This is not only the voice of the Church speaking. Biology and reason are in complete agreement with God’s law. It is obvious that only love springing out of marriage and the family can fulfill the happiness that erotic love promises. Certainly, physical attraction and emotional rapture (falling in love) are necessary and important factors in initiating the process of bringing another human being into the world. However, sexual urges and infatuation are not love, because the third and most important element is missing: good will grounded in reason and moral law – God’s law. This element is realizable only in marriage, through a wedding, which is a pledge of lifelong love of good will. A person cannot base an enduring promise on premarital emotions and passion, but he can, and needs to, make such a promise by directing his will towards the good of his spouse and their relationship. Keeping this promise leads to maturer emotions and increased happiness. It is also clear that a wedding is the clincher of total reciprocal devotion. One might compare it to a seal and signature on a document containing beautiful vows made valid only by those signatures. Premarital feelings and promises are merely “material” for love. It is in marriage that love becomes genuine and complete. That is why only marriage gives the couple the moral right to have sex, which is ordered by nature to the bringing of human beings into the world. This is the purpose of the sexual reflex (orgasm), and its accompanying pleasure. The well-being of the mother and child requires that a child be conceived, born and raised in the love and care of married parents. Extramarital sex is therefore a contradiction of love of good will. It is also a mockery of true love and blasphemes against the dignity of human beings – the dignity that God tells us we possess. Let us come back to poor Anne and her despairing letter. Her tragedy consists in the fact that she did not understand these things. She took her passionate emotions for true love. No one deceived her, but no one informed her either. She ought to have known that emotions are strong in a female’s erotic make-up, while urges are strong in the male’s. However, both sexes share the same overriding law of their spiritual and physical human nature: namely that the spiritual dimension (reason, will) rules over that of the body (desire, emotion). A man asking for sex by the third date proves that 1) he is not religious, and cares little about God’s commandments or moral principles, 2) he does not want to control his urges, and may not know how to, 3) he does not understand erotic love and is unaware of the difference between the sexes in this area, 4) he does not love his girlfriend at all. Mere friendly regard should have prevented him from running the risk of getting her pregnant in this situation. Contraception also has its margin of risk. The state of “falling in love” exhibits an incomplete, immature “good will”. Only marriage vows will confirm and ennoble it; but falling in love with a boy who desires sex so quickly is unwise. He is ruled by lust. Of course, a girl might chose to withold her sexual intimacy and undertake the delicate task of “educating” such a boy, teaching him, explaining the problems, passing on her values, and setting conditions. Still, in Anne’s situation, there really is no cause for despair. One might even congratulate Anne for not considering marriage with a man who would have treated her as a sexual toy. I hope and pray that no girl will ever make this kind of mistake. |
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And now faith, hope, and love abide, these three; and the greatest of these is love.(1 Cor. 13:13) Just six months ago I was a plain bum and a “playboy.” My life consisted of booze, cigarettes, nightclubs, easy pickups, and even drugs. I thought I knew everything there was to love, and that love and sex were one and the same thing. Actually, it was eight months before that, that I began to make sense of the words spoken by John Paul II: Do not say that you love one another, say: ‘we love each other in God – through His love’. And also: To love means to sacrifice oneself without demanding things in return. Two years ago my father died in tragic circumstances. At the same time my girlfriend cheated on me. These two events sent me into a spiritual free-fall: nightclubs, promiscuous relationships, and escape through alcohol. On February 14, Saint Valentine’s Day (feast of the patron saint of lovers), I met Maggie. By that time I had hit rock bottom, and was very drunk. Appearing like “an angel in the valley of death”, she turned my life around by her love for me. I know now that it was Our Loving Father, who placed Maggie on the road of my life, so that through her pure love I might accept Jesus Christ as my Lord and Savior. It is Maggie who led me down long and winding roads that I might be renewed in the Holy Spirit. Unfortunately, like so many young people, we fell into the trap of impurity and premarital sex. Unable to withstand my advances, Maggie gave in. Her conscience bothered her for a good while. She felt she had betrayed Jesus, who had allowed Himself to be crucified out of love for us. Because of my past, I did not at first see how we were harming ourselves. Everything seemed to be okay to me. In my view, love and sex were the same thing. After a while, however, I came to realize that rather than bringing us closer, sex was actually pulling us apart. I began to understand the great mistake we had made. Just before last Easter, during a retreat at our church, we decided to hand our problem over to God, and live in chastity. We found it very hard at first. We did not think it would be possible to forgo sex entirely, for it had been slowly taking over our love and enslaving us. However, in His merciful love, God has freed us from this sin. Although we still experience temptation, we are able to overcome it because we have allowed God into our lives. In moments of weakness we help each another. Friends also help by praying for us. As a result, our love has reached new heights. Filled with mutual respect, beauty, warmth, and above all purity, it has grown immeasurably. Love is God’s greatest gift to us, but in order for it to be real, i.e. godly, certain conditions have to be met. Above all, love must be chaste, free of sexual demands, and based on mutual respect, trust and complete openness. This is only possible when both sides live in a relationship with God. Love also requires daily care, like the biblical vine that needs to be trimmed by the gardener in order to bear rich fruit. Love also has to be purified regularly of the “dirt” which our culture heaps on it. Such “purification” can take place before a shared confessor. Each couple ought to have a priest-confessor, who can walk them through life’s hardships. Couples should also talk to each other about their individual problems and worries. By talking, we adjust to one another – become like two perfectly matching pieces of a puzzle. For Maggie and me, Jesus and Mary have become perfect examples of man and womanhood. The road to pure love is not straight or easy, but every bump and hardship negotiated and overcome brings lovers closer together and unifies them. Pure love is worth achieving. The reward is great. Maggie and I believe in the words that Jesus Christ says to us all, “I am the bread of life. Whoever comes to me will never be hungry, and whoever believes in me will never be thirsty” (Jn 6:35). Sebastian, aged 21 |
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